I took a much needed break from my blog. Once Jack gets back to school, and the skatepark, I need to try and pick up all the pieces that his hospitalization left in its wake.
This time, mostly Kate needed me. She needed to know that I was here and I loved her and that she mattered too. For Kate, its simply showing up, American Idol, reading in bed at 9 and off to sleep, knowing I was there sleeping too. Not even downstairs. I have never gotten so much sleep in my life.
Having a child with a terminal disease will often shatter everything you knew. Where once life was safe, your biggest concern, getting them signed up for summer camp. Now, nothing is safe. Within a minute, without any notice your life will unravel.
My marriage unraveled the first time Jack was hospitalized for more than a week. Now it was very unstable to start with. Since it was so fragile, there was no way it was going to survive this. I remember Jack had been in the hospital for weeks with Pancreatitis. Something children do not get. Finally they did an exploratory surgery. We waited and waited. The surgeon, a specialist, came out and informed me and my husband that "he had never seen this in a child before". That Jack had chronic pancreatitis, meaning he had many episodes before this. His pancreas was deformed and he had no idea what the future held.
Then we went to recovery. Jack was crying and in so much pain. His father left. And I understand why. Of course he needed a minute to take this in. I stayed with Jack got him back to his room settled in and when his father returned went home to take care of my girls. They were finally asleep too and I was alone. The phone rang. It was my husband calling me from the hospital to tell me he wanted a divorce.
He had left so many times. He had left on street corners in Manhattan with no money and no way to get home. He had left me at parties, fund raisers and at home. So why did this come as such a shock? I knew that night, as I sat there in tears, that he had left me for the last time. I could not do this anymore.
I had to take care of my son, I had to make sure the girls were ok. I could no longer take care of his fragile state. His insecurity. His need to feel loved by my asking my asking him to stay. It was over.
Once again, during past hospitalization, it was business as usual. When Jack was in for the life threatening infection, his father needed to take his new girlfriend on a ski vacation. And he did.
I love my son, and I love my girls so its difficult for me to understand that some people have different coping skills.
I had my ski vacation, with my beautiful boy and my daughter. We had sun, we had snow and we played epic games of Monopoly (Jack won every game).
Do not misunderstand what I am saying. I do not blame Jack's illness for the end of my marriage, it just helped me realize that I did not have one.
I love my children. I love my son. So I do not regret getting married. And I thank him. I am free now.
10 comments:
You are amazing. That's all. -Jenny
I'm so sorry about the ending of your marriage, but, quite frankly.........you're better off without that. I'm puzzled as to why your husband was unable to cope with his son's illness. IT'S HIS SON. He needs to grow up. And you are a Goddess in my eyes.
I agree with Merilee.
And Jenny!
A word of explanation, as a physician, I have a lot... too much... experience watching people react to bad news. Many people cannot cope, especially if there is already a lot of tension or emotional baggage. The fight or flight impulses we are born with sometimes kick in. Not to excuse, defend, or judge anyone's behavior... I think that a lot of people, particularly men, but often pre motherhood women as well, have lived very privileged lives where by design or luck have been spared any hardships. So when they come knocking, these folks have no idea or experience on how to handle it. Some fold, some flee, and some may find that they had that inner reserve all along and just didn't know it.
Thank you all for reading my blog. Know this, I am not attributing Jack's father's behavior to the fact he is a man. I know so many wonderful fathers out there. His father is not one of them. He lives in a one bedroom apartment in Brooklyn by choice. No room for his children, He enjoys a life of travel and girlfriends yet is six figures behind in support. He texts every night yet never sees his children. He was telling me who he was that night, the night he called and asked for a divorce. I was listening.
Liz,
I have known you since you were born. You were a special little girl and are now a special mother and person. Today, divorce is not unusual, (I've been there myself), but what you have gone through is unusual and it has made you into the strongest woman I have ever known. Your children are lucky to have you.Please keep us posted. Our prayers are with you - always.
Uncle Lee (Sent using Karen's email).
Just got around to reading this post. As a dad I just can not fathom how someone could turn away from their child and family, especially at such a time when they need him the most. But, as they say, people are different and react to crisis differently.
All the best....
Just got around to reading this post. As a dad I just can not fathom how someone could turn away from their child and family, especially at such a time when they need him the most. But, as they say, people are different and react to crisis differently.
All the best....
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