Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Happy Birthday My Beautiful Boy!

Tomorrow baby you are going to be 14 years old. You fought hard for this birthday Jack. The year you turned six, you fought hard for that birthday Jack. You entered the hospital for what we thought would be 48 hours. Nine weeks, two surgeries, ten blown IVS, four specialists and one Broviac Port later you came home two days before Christmas. You were not better, they just gave up, sent you home with an invasive port and enough medical supplies for third world country and told me, I was in charge.

Eight months later, I was an unwilling expert at taking care of a Broviac port. That year was behind us. More followed each of them three years apart. And then just when I thought I could catch my breath, the pain was back and we started all over again. This year, the worst by far, hit hard. First off Jack I knew that a picc line infection could be fatal, I was so not prepared to see you that sick. It scared me Jack. I have never seen you like that. For the first time I realized that one day we could be in Vermont, skiing and playing monopoly and 48 hours later you could be in Columbia's emergency room, every monitor available hooked up, fighting for your life.

Your birthdays are hard Jack, you getting closer every year to those statistics. Are you going to be part of the 50% that celebrate your 30th or part of the 40% that never see there 20s. What's it gonna be? Either way, with each birthday we are edging closer to those statistics. The ones that I never like to think about. The statistics I think about only when you are in the hospital or on your birthday.

I know I should feel confident Jack, you have such a strong will, drive and determination. You have never once felt sorry for yourself and in fact never talk about the hospitalizations. You have a love for life and an appreciation for it. Will that be enough?

I know that I am now going to pack your trunk for camp and I am absolutely heartbroken. A week without you? I will miss your smile most Jack. A week just seems so long. If I can not bear the thought of not seeing your smile for a week, how am I ever going to survive...

Stay with me Jack. I will Fix you. I promise.