It's been a while....

Four years to be exact.  He is 21 now.  This is a birthday there are times I did not think we would celebrate.  I am not saying it has been easy, it has been anything but.  Jack came within hours of spending his 21st birthday in the hospital.  It is his pancreas.  That fucking pancreas that just will not give in.  We have been fighting this battle with Jack's pancreas since he was six.  That hospitalization lasted 2 months, we left two days before Christmas.  Not because was better, essentially they gave up.

Fast forward twelve years later, two many hospitalizations to count, ports, pic lines, IVs and a lot of morphine we are still fighting.  Jack is a rockstar.  He is everything I am not, calm, patient and forgiving.   He is smart and handsome, can skateboard and snowboard like a pro.  He is surrounded by two sisters, a mother, father and slightly over weight lab that adore him.

I am not forgiving.  This time, this last hospitalization, by far the worst.  He was on the edge.  The pain would not subside.  He was knocked out.  He was tired.  I was broken. I was scared. And I am mad... Fuck CF.

I have always shared his story.  Tonight, this is mine.  I am single.  I have been divorced for nine years.  My ex-husband is remarried.  She is lovely.  She loves my children.  I love my children.  I love my lab.   I sometimes love my job.  It was so difficult for me to trust anyone with my children.  So I did not.  

What I do have is a wonderful community of friends that embrace me, Jack and the girls.  Their love, support, lego and prayers ... well they have helped.  They have helped more than they will ever know.  It's lonely.  You come home from the hospital and face all your fears alone.  So yes something as simple as reading the words... "we are thinking about Jack!"  They make a difference.. keep "em coming.